Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
