I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
