Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize