Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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