So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
