My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
