i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
