im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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