Only a mothe r could love this liver
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
