i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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