the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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