I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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