I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
