The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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