Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
