Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
