i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize