naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
