I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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