I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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