Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
try to milk me bitch
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