ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
