did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
