I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
