How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize