sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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