He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
