you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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