i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
