Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
