my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
