My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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