Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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