can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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