1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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