my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
