Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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