That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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