We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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