why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
