so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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