i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
