my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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