I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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