my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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