Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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