He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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