Acid is not a monday night drug
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
