I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize