im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
