i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
