i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
