I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize