I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
