my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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