I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
