I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
